Well, I won’t lie to you. We have never had that kind of a relationship, so why start now? The cold, hard, honest truth of the situation is that this summer sucked, and I type that sentence with a thermometer tucked dutifully under my tongue. It’s no secret that the last two years have been a throwback to 2009/2011 in that I have been sick more than not. Seriously, we are coming up on the two year mark of the first 2013 flu that I never fully, long-term recovered from.
AnypasstheAdvilpleaseway, if we took a jaunt through the summer we would have the remnants of my asthma coming back, a head injury, a foot injury, a month long erythema nodosum flareup and – finally – an overlapping “thing” that at first I thought was a bite, then a spider bite and now, sadly, I am thinking it may be a staph infection. (Flashback: I actually had a staph infection in 2002 that lasted MONTHS, took to me to the hospital twice AND required minor outpatient surgery. So, I am a little freaked out at the idea of staph.)
It’s hard not to be uber disappointed by the way it all panned out, at the same time I am in a weird space. It’s okay. The kids were happy, they entertained themselves by making art and videos and reading. I had A LOT of forced downtime and I created, made a plan and have some things on the burner that I would not have taken on if I was going, going, gone all summer! I was dealing with some guilt about the epic failure of this time, about the fact that I haven’t been to church, that I haven’t seen friends, that the workouts have been basically nonexistent. I was dealing with some nasty self-hate about the fact that the scale is reflecting a total gain (from my lowest weight) of 51.8 pounds over the last two years. Then, it was like I kind of stopped feeling all that. I’m not happy about the weight, but I am not angry at myself. I am not happy about the summer, but I am not sad over it either. It was like I entered this strange nothing over it. I can navigate in the nothing and get things done, so in that respect it is better than the stifling stagnation of depression. Only, I can’t quite get to happy. It’s like it is right on the other side of an invisible wall. I can reach for it and even feel it on my fingertips, but not wrap my hand around it. I am sure it has to do with being sick, with lack of normal and steady workouts and with the family situation that we are currently in.
Still, I can’t help but feel a little excited as the school year quickly approaches. I am happy to leave behind this dismal summer. I am excited to have a change in the monotony of these hot, long days. I am hopeful and full of this potential energy that is just dying to move again. So, I will say a little prayer for the trip I am about to make to urgent care (my Dr. wants me to go in) and for the rest of this summer’s nine days and then, come Monday morning the 10th of August I will be ready for something truly and completely different and amazing!