It was late and we were both tired. The whole day had been a bust on an emotional level. There was nothing wrong, nothing. We were both verbal about how blessed we were, we praised God throughout the day for this life we share and the fact that we share it. All day I was aware of how her existence makes me happier, lighter, joyful – and yet, I was reactive. I am sharp – quick and dangerous. Sarcastic humor can be hurtful, especially when it is humorless. This day was like that, the jabs were barbs. I didn’t even mean them, but they were flowing. It was like my bad mood and life were on this roll where life just kept setting me up, lobbing the ball perfectly across the plate so I could take a swing. I took them, not all but most of them. I was failing at holding back, sometimes it’s like that. She was doing a super job at squashing her anger or hurt and continuing to try to pursue a good day. That made it worse, I don’t know why, but it did. It wasn’t that I wasn’t sorry, I was – I certainly do not enjoy being rough on her. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to stop, I did – my heart and soul wanted to. I just couldn’t.
That night as she readied herself for bed I could see how my abrasiveness had done a number on her. This was a day where she absorbed and held us together and I truly appreciated that. I checked in, told her I was just in that place and that I had really tried to curb it. She said she knew and that she appreciated my effort, however failed. Then after she said goodnight and that she loved me I muttered, “Yeah? Are you sure you’re not just collecting all this awful and deciding you don’t love me?” (Or something like that, I can’t say for sure because it was a passing comment. Not really what I thought, but I am sure rooted in my subconsciousness by life.) She said no and kissed me good night.
Then, two days later after things have settled and we are better than ever. I have gotten over whatever scritch was irking me and she has brushed it all off she takes my hand and looks straight at me and brings up my comment. She says that she can’t ever imagine not loving me, but that if she ever was in a place in life where she didn’t realize that she was totally in love with me she would do the work and we would fix it. Leaving is not an option. She wants me to realize the magnitude of the commitment she made when we married each other and I do. I realize it because it is the same for me. While I know where I am at, and I know where she is at – it is so good beyond belief to hear it again. Maybe I shouldn’t need to, maybe I should just be able to rest in my knowledge. Maybe, but I am human and she knows that. She knows me in a way I don’t even know me, and I believe that I know her in that same way. It is so perfectly God sent that I can’t express my gratitude or elation and I may never be able to. I look forward to trying, though, everyday of my life.
I love you, babe. Thank you.
After weeks of our library looking like this – so full and crazy – the summer reading program is wrapping up. This won’t end all the traffic jams and long lines, but it will help. We are so spoiled, having it to ourselves throughout the year. lol
To be honest my girls are readers, so it’s not like we had to PUSH to get these things done. Still it was fun for them to feel engaged in a new way and to be rewarded for good behavior and habits.
Mavis, darling! did more than this required reading, but this sheet adds up to twelve and a half hours.
Lou ♥ was not timed, well one book was, but she had a bunch of fun activities.
She wasn’t thrilled about the new authors, but in the end I think liked doing something out of the ordinary.
My sheet was fun, felt like school. lol
I tracked all my fun, like a nerd. lol
The end of program event was PACKED.
Lou ♥ won the Raising Cane’s gift basket.
She unpacked it at home and found all sorts of prizes. The sweetest thing was that she started to break it up and share all the bits. She had gift cards for two adult meals and one kid meal. She used them to feed the family on our family day on Saturday. It is so good to see your children becoming awesome humans.
To be honest I have three pretty serious subject post that are dangling half finished… All that serious has created a wall of not-now-I’m-too-tired-to-blog feeling – and to get over it I figure I will put together a fluff piece! My favorite TV shows:
- Melissa & Joey – it’s my all time fav comedy right now. I love it so much, the timing and content is fab. It’s like teenage me and grown up me get together and hang out for twenty-two minutes.
- The Profit – reality TV at it’s most awesome. This show is awesome and it stars my most favorite man in the world, Marcus Lemonis!!! It’s finances meets smart and I love it so much I will watch it again and again as I clean or whatever.
Bam! This weekend I decided to straighten up my art supplies and actually put together a little project. Nothing fancy, I had had a few instagram photos printed and hanging around so I painted a couple of clothes pins and hung some yarn! Bang. I really love it, and even more fun – my wife was thrilled! lol
- scripture research
Yes, I am that woman today. That woman who needs to put SHOWER on her list of hopeful accomplishments. In truth I have no idea when I became that woman, but it’s who I am lately so let’s just get it done.
If you would indulge me for a moment, and you will because this is my teeny Internet world, I am going to start this potentially deep
as the sea post with a lighthearted reference to a Katy Perry song (stick with me, there is actually a tie in. I promise!)
You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you PMS
Like a b*tch, I would know
And you overthink
Always speak critically
I should know
That you’re not good for me
‘Cause you’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in then you’re out
You’re up then you’re down
That’s me – I am Hot n’ Cold – or I was.
Now for the explanation: there is so much going on inside of me, so much. Art. Writing. Poetry. Song. Sermon. Reading. Rest. Running. Humor. Sadness. Revelation. Growth. Stillness. Joy. Movement.
If you read that list you will notice that a lot of those things are the opposite, they kind of cancel each other. Like, dropping joy into sadness is like dropping ice into a steaming cup of coffee. You don’t have ice or hot coffee you now have room temperature – you don’t have joy or sadness you have this mix… Only I have NEVER been one to mix. I have always compartmentalized my life, to a strange degree. If I am happy I am one person, and she only exist in certain settings with certain people. If I am sad I am a different person, and she will only be herself with certain people. So it has been, and while people may fall into several categories I am generally one or the other. In the past when I had art flowing I didn’t write, when I was bleeding poetry I created NOTHING. I am telling you there is so much I feel like I can’t even move forward I am so confused by where to go. I’ve never had myself vie for my own disabled attention and it’s killing me.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the flow of energy and art and even coming to terms and dealing with old things – I love the freedom. I just wish I could sort some things out. For now I just wrote a poem, and I have three paintings going on the strongest in my mind. Here’s hoping the Mes can get things done.
My baby girl breaks all the “norms” when you think of girl vs. tomboy – she wears boy clothes, loves to climb, is rough and tumble – her room is painted pink, she adores Lego Friends and Disney Princess movies/dolls. This cake is going to blow her mind, she has NO IDEA that when she cuts into her pink glitter cake she is going to find camo! lol
My wife is on a plane this morning and my tummy is a little twisted with that knowledge. She is flying to Nashville for a work meeting and will be flying back tonight – just in time to celebrate my beautiful Mavis, darling!’s tenth birthday with the family. Ten, our youngest daughter is ten. My heart flutters when I write it and my eyes tear up a bit. I’m not sad for her, I am happy for her. She has become one of the coolest little people I know. She has a sense of humor that is distinctly her mother’s, handed down from her Paw-Paw Chris. She has a sense of style that is absolutely her own, pulled from the skater shirts and cargo shorts of Goodwill and Walmart with a twist of glitter tennis shoes. I love her and I am thrilled to be her parent, she is one of God’s biggest blessings in my life.
Old lady nightgown, rice heat pack and heated slippers – I do! lol
Pride was awesome, but long and hot. lolI have and erythema nodosum bump on my left lower shin and it is wreaking havoc on my body and energy level. It’s been brewing for a while and I was unable to really slow down due to commitments and events. By the time I got to the Friday before Pride I was DONE. Like, for real, but there are times when you just keep going. We had a meeting Friday, and a whole day on Saturday. Sunday – church. I swear it’s like a whirlwind. I am, however, officially on rest. Which is weird because I am getting a lot done. My prayer is to help me pace myself. I keep thinking I am taking it easy and then hitting a wall at six in the evening when I really need to have energy so I can cook dinner and tend to my wife. I am going to try to rearrange that.