Money. Just the thought of it fills me with that feeling of what would be panic. Would be, if I wasn’t full of this peace. Somehow, I know I am fine. We are fine. The kids are fine. It is all fine and will be fine. (Well, that’s not really true. Truth is we are GOOD, GREAT and even better than those words.)
Money, well, money is fine. lol Stretched to the max, scary. Still we trudge on. Around the start of December I told my wife I was working on not wanting. I adore fashion, but don’t NEED anything. I love gadgets, but don’t NEED anymore. I just wanted to stop – everywhere you look, all over the place, there is always something that sparkles! I absolute adore that I can talk to my wife about the things I am working through, makes it easier to say things out loud. Makes it more of a commitment. So I started not wanting, I stopped flipping through the dozens of catalogs that come in the mail. I stopped peeking the shopping sites. After only a few days I felt better – a lot. All that energy wasn’t being drained and I started feeling full. I told my wife I was declaring “No-Spend January” which means I am not spending any unnecessary money in January. No last minute grabs, no fast food, no anything extra. I started talking to the kids about our blessings, about not wanting and being happy with what we have. I got them ready. When January arrived we were all in the right mind set, and I had a new goal.
Tithing. I had been praying about this as well for some time. I have donated and done other things, I believe that traditional Jews do this and call it ma’aser kesafim, which is basically tithing to charity not to church? Not sure. I did it here and there in other ways. You can’t tithe when you don’t have a place to pay. I prayed for a place, a church, a home. I prayed, “If you want me to tithe can you show me where you want my money to go?” “Can you give me a place I feel comfortable and a leader I can trust?” (I have deep rooted trust issues with the world, especially the religious world. More on that as I work on it…) So suddenly in this already stretched money – reaching from the boarder to just barely the boarder of each month – I am trying to figure out a way to tithe. I have to, I mean I was finally given the church I was looking for. (Confirmed after my children attended and were thrilled at the idea of going back.) I think I found a pastor I could trust, well for now I can at least relax when she speaks. She doesn’t fill me with conflicted feelings of foolishness and anger (like a dang used car salesman) and that is huge! I said very clearly in my prayers, give me this so that I can give. I have to give now, and we have been. I want to figure out how to give my fair share, and more. I have a budget to try to get us there and I think, I know, it is going to work. I expect it to work.
Of course, things arrive. Things come and must be paid, so I am keeping a list of the non-planned, though still essential, things that money will be spent on this month. Including commitments from December, so far:
- 47.00 Heartgard for Wiley
- 7.22 on Christmas gifts that shipped in January, but were actually bought in December.
- 1 dollar on goat feed, I told the kids we could feed the goats and dug out the quarters on the 31st, but we didn’t get back to them until the 1st.
- How much does a stamp cost? I have to spend that, I have paperwork that needs to be mailed.
- My wife got a ticket last year that will be paid in January. I have no idea how much it is going to be. 😦