the Trigger-happy housewife

Bringing the constantly fantastic and painfully insane together daily!

I am sorry.

on January 14, 2013

I have a message. I’m not always so clear on what it is, and I have yet to find the perfect means of getting it out in the world – still, I have one. I have been blessed to live in the strange and wonderful world of social media and interweb, so thus far I have just lived my life open and honest and hoped that my mumbled message with resonate where it can. With weight loss I tried to make sure I didn’t hurt anyone, but still got across that you have to be diligent and do the hard work. My goal is not to be the best and never to break someones spirit – I just want to be honest and clear and help. When it came to weight loss I would find that often the videos I made that I felt were harsh and would cause the most backlash, those were the videos that often were the most well received and I would get many messages after thanking me for my frank and up front thoughts.

When I started to revisit my spirituality and really redefine my relationship with God I questioned bringing it to the forefront of my Internet life. On one hand, it is at the forefront of my life now and I pray (and do the work daily to insure) that it always will be, so if I want to represent my life accurately I have to put the, “Praise the Lord!” and the, “Thank God!” where I feel it. I have to acknowledge the blessings I discover daily. If I didn’t do those things I would be hiding a part of me and something beautiful I have and would love to share. However, all I could think about was the immediate reaction I have when people get all Jesus on me, I shrink away and generally distrust. I equate religious talk with some of the most judgmental, ugliest people I have ever known. I find it hard to separate the feelings of pain and desolate loneliness that church filled me with from the person speaking to me. It is made worse by the fact that when I have tried to have rational conversations with people they are often dismissive of my experience and defend the church and it’s actions (or inactions.)

However, after several self conversations I decided to go with it. If what I post reflects what is in my heart then people will understand my serenity and sincerity. If one post is read by a young homosexual who thinks they can’t find a home in the house of the Lord and they realize that there are safe and amazing places, well Amen to that! I looked at my wife the first time we sat in this church, both of us in tears and I said, “What if this was the church we went to as children? How different could things be?” How can I possibly not share that? It’s not just homosexuals, it’s anyone lost or disconnected. We can heal each other if we just live in love and share our Word and our walk with Christ. I don’t want the fear of offending someone to cause me to miss the opportunity to help someone. I will not live that way.

So here I am, that “religious zealot” and “Jesus freak,” hoping that you give me the benefit of the doubt and don’t close up as soon as you read a, “The Lord is good!” Here I am, that person reading the Bible, only instead of judgment and anger I offer you this, anyone who has had misguided anger pointed at them, to anyone who wanted a church but got condemnation, anyone who has hurt that was inflicted under the name of the Bible – I AM SORRY. It was wrong, and while the people who did it may never realize they are wrong there are people who do. There are churches based on the forgiving words of Christ, there are people who love and share peace. I hope you find them, if you are looking. (Honestly I hope you find them even if you are not looking.) I want everyone to feel what I feel and have what I have found, though I am not here to collect names or save souls in Walmart’s parking lot. I am not going to harass you or shame you into anything. I am here to live, and live honestly.

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