Look, you can not possibly realize how I wrestled with myself over using the word fat in the title. When I started my blogging weight loss journey I chose the name Little Fat Me. I chose it because I am short, was fat and – I’m me, obvi. I debuted it to the world and overall I got a real positive response. There were the few that were a bit uncomfortable, but among my peers I was a hero who not only rejected the idea of hiding but took who I was and owned it. Then the weight came off and people who were not with me from the beginning started to notice that I used the FAT word and started to complain. I have gotten, and still get, messages that “tear me a new one” over the insensitive nature of my use of that word. Here’s the thing. I don’t want to alienate anyone, I don’t want to hurt anybody, I don’t want to do anything negative – I also don’t want to censor myself in my space and this is my space. If anyone bothered to look into who I am or what my story is rather than just fixating on a word I use without context I think they would not react so strongly (if at all.) In the end i went with the first title I typed and I think I’m glad I did.
Here they are, here are five things I miss about that girl:
- This is going to be really strange, but sometimes I miss being invisible. To those who know me this might seem strange as I have, my whole life, dyed my hair bright colors and dressed in a style all my own not completely conducive to fading away. Only I did fade and with that came a certain obscurity. I could do, say and be whatever and hardly anyone noticed. Now I feel like when I go places people notice me, not in any crazy way and maybe in a way people who have always been normal wouldn’t notice. Now I am part of the crowd to be evaluated, not simply dismissed as a formless blob. Girls rate me in relation to them and guys rate me in relation to their ideal female (as I really believe many guys I have known for years had forgotten I was actually female.) I don’t really care, as much as I sometime miss having the ability to be present and, yet, not.
- I’m not gonna lie, I miss food. (Only I don’t.) People ask me all the time what I would eat if I wouldn’t gain my weight back and instantly several answers just to mind. Then reality hits. It’s sad really, but I have lost that friend forever. It’s like being in the most amazing relationship and then finding definitive proof that they were cheating the whole time, and stealing your money, and pooping in your soup. You can NEVER look at them again, even if they never cheated another day and they paid the money back, not only is the trust broken but they POOPED IN YOUR SOUP!!! That’s what happened to me and food, now I know what it was and will do to me. Now I know what it’s made of. Now, even if it never cheated and paid me back I could never forget that it pooped in my soup. Does that make sense?
- Waking my body up those first months. There was something so surreal when I started, everyday I was mystified by my body and what it could do. Constantly surprised and overwhelmed. I still push myself and I still work, but there is a certain understanding I have now and it will never get to relive those first months. I have been blessed/cursed with an illness that breaks my body down, pain and fatigue is a constant to varying degrees. I get to challenge myself daily, and yes that is how I look at it. Still, I do miss that very early stage when I was still big and just starting to move.
- I miss my hair. Again I will state I am blessed that my hair did start to grow again, but it was much thicker and stronger before I lost weight. I know people will say that I dye my hair and kill it, but I took almost a year off from changing my hair color when around fifty pounds lost my hair started to fall out rapidly – oh, I need to video update that! I swear I almost lost my mind and became completely obsessed with how much was normal hair loss and counting the hairs in my brush and after I washed it. I switched to Wen and it really has helped so much.
- The lack of expectation. That sounds weird I am sure. Seriously though, as much as I hated the shocked look of horror on people’s faces the first time they saw me in years, after they saw my size they just got over it. Now, and I am willing to admit that 95% of this is probably in my head, they are just waiting to see if I will keep it off or put it all back on. Some people will even say that to me and I feel like they are constantly judging me, am I five pounds heavier or am I bloated. It’s pressure and it makes me feel so uncomfortable I almost would rather not see those people ever again, I can’t believe that being smaller can make me wish I didn’t have to leave the house when being fat never did.