the Trigger-happy housewife

Bringing the constantly fantastic and painfully insane together daily!

I know I am loved, but…

on July 15, 2013

I see the people on the side of mile 6 and they have signs that say things like “YOU ARE HALF WAY THERE!!” or “KEEP GOING YOU ARE AWESOME” and it touches my heart that people have families out on the sidelines cheering for them. In the back of my tired, over worked mind that its currently just trying to make my feet keep going there is this little sadness that that will never be my parents. They don’t see a half marathon as a big deal, even if it is two years after their youngest daughter was too sick to walk.I tell her all about the fact that God healed me. That I am not in constant pain, that I know I am better – BETTER – and that things are changing and, while I don’t know that I expected much, her blase, “Oh.” is a bit shocking. If my child was made better, divinely healed, I would cry and fall to my knees – but we are not the same person.I mention causally that I am probably going to speak at my church because God told me to. Nothing, just a complete lack of any reaction and a continuing of the noncommittal conversation that we were having.

I just can’t understand. I don’t get it, and I am working on not trying to. This path I am walking, I am sure it is the right one. The elusive narrow road that was destined just for me. I know I am being the best me I can, not for my own sake but for my children, who are proud, and for my wife, who is beyond supportive. I know that it isn’t the perfect picture of a life she thought I’d have, what with the wife not being a husband and all. Still, to give the smallest show of – I don’t know. I just wish she could see me, like really. I wish she could be happy, and I wish she thought, when she looked at me, that she had done a good job. Because I don’t think I turned out that bad.


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