the Trigger-happy housewife

Bringing the constantly fantastic and painfully insane together daily!

Making the choice to have better days.

on July 25, 2013

Today was one of those awful days when the long forgiven actions of people you love creep into your mind and fill you with hurt, doubt and anger you honestly let go of. I don’t understand how this happens, but I feel like it needs to be talked about. (Not the actions, but the fact that I struggle.) Recently I received a beautiful compliment just for being me, and with that – with this, this putting my life out there for the public to view should they choose, I feel like I owe it to her and the people who may read my blog or watch my vlogs to be honest about the other side, the darker and unhappy side of things.

I talk openly about my weight struggles, my strained relationship with food and my work I do to heal that part of my life, but maybe I haven’t mentioned too much of the rest. So hear it is, I have dark days. Days of low and days of sad – I have learned that the days filled with anger usually indicate that something really beautiful is happening in my life. Something that if I would have let myself wallow in the anger I would have probably missed. To put it in crazy for Christ terms, anger is the devil’s last resort to get me to stand in my own way! That fact makes it easier on some level to get through, but it is still a decision. A conscious decision to let go and move on with things. Though, to be real, sometimes I don’t want to let go. I want to wallow, I have no idea why. Perhaps it seems easier, and it’s a way of letting myself off the hook. As soon as I do let go of the anger I have to look at my own actions, my own behavior and that can mean holding myself responsible for words or feelings. That, well, sucks at times.

Over the beginning of this year I decided to take control of my tongue and it’s a struggle because it means always being accountable for what I say. This doesn’t mean I haven’t said something ugly or negative, but it does mean that as soon as I recognized that I had spoken without thinking or with any ill intent I repaired it by calling attention to my mistake, praying over it and speaking healing and restoration where perhaps I had been too quick to issue judgment. Through that I started to realize that I was getting better at speaking the truth, in the name of Jesus. This might sound crazy to some, it does to me on some level, but when the words that need to be spoken hit I say them out loud and it feels like concrete. I simply do not worry over it again. It is done.

There have been two very solid examples, I had pretty much stopped thinking about. Then yesterday evening I was in a pretty foul mood. My days have been a little off schedule (for the best of reasons, but still it builds up!) and I was a grump today. Stressed, mean and angry. Then when I made the decision to stop being a baby about things, to let go of the anger, I realized that I had gotten news on two topics that mean those words spoken have (or are on their way to) come to fruition! How amazing! How awful if I would have let myself miss the magnitude of these blessings by indulging a ridiculous need to grump about the little things. Would I still receive these blessings? Yes, but I don’t want to be one of those people who take one, not even one teeny one, of the blessings I am given for granted.

So what do I do when I have days like this? I remind myself that I have forgiven those actions of the past, I remind myself that I am better with out a flood of resentment building in me, I tell myself it’s okay to feel hurt but better to feel happy about now. The past can be a sticky thing, you let yourself visit and wind up over staying your welcome, getting so comfy you forget it’s not where you live anymore. One of the best ways to combat that is to make your now life the best now life it can be, so that the past loses any appeal. Everyday I make the choice to have a better day. If it feels like a bad day I express that to those unfortunate enough to be around me, I apologize in advance for being short and ask for their understanding and by doing those things I turn a bad day into an okay day. If it feels like an okay day, I aim to make it a good day. I add a walk or extra worship or a new workout routine – that always turns an okay day into a good one. If it feels like a good one I try to schedule art time – that always makes it a great one! So on… always giving thanks for the day and always meaning it!

Oh, and I also blog… as you can see!

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