the Trigger-happy housewife

Bringing the constantly fantastic and painfully insane together daily!

Where I was.

on September 9, 2013

Sometimes, in the journey of health and weight loss things get blurry. Oh, who am I kidding? It’s all blurry… Like, I want to be healthy, but I like my cake with extra icing. What wins changes from day to day. It seems that each time I had it down, all my ducks in a row and was ready to just dig in there would appear a new duck, a new problem and it would all go tumbling away again.

It’s hard not to look at a weight loss journey as a complete story, I mean on the surface it seems that way. Beginning, middle and end. All right there, neat little package. Only, there is nothing neat about it. It’s messy, very messy. There is no beginning. Ask a chronically fat girl when she started gaining and the answer is often, “I have been big my whole life.” or “As long as I can remember I loved food and hated swimsuits.” There is no one thing that lead to food being my dark, dirty secret and as I started to fix myself I realized how MANY things actually played a role. The middle seems like the diet, the weight loss – but it’s so much more. It’s this scary land of digging down and figuring out who you are and what went wrong. All the while you are still living and dealing with the day to day of being you. This new girl who has given up your crutch and is doing so much work and is still fat.

More than anything, though, it is the end that is the biggest lie. You don’t get to cross some finish line and then look back at the road you traveled, smile knowing it’s all done and then look forward to pick your next goal. Nope, you live that finish line everyday. Some days you find yourself back on the course thinking, “Wait, I ran this bit. I finished this race.” Without the constantly shrinking number on the scale and the constantly becoming too small for your clothes you start to feel like a failure. Where you came from seems far off, but where you finally arrived seems to be far off also. It’s a sort of life limbo, and it can be a lot.

I only just really realized that that was what was going on. I couldn’t figure out the lack of umpf or excitement. Then I started to see myself in this sort of circle, just going around and around. My wife was the one who suggested I visit my old blog for some ideas on dinner and such. I did. Only I didn’t find ideas on dinner. I found the old me. The girl who was just struggling to keep herself afloat, the girl who was BEYOND thrilled to be a size XL, the girl who smiled the biggest brightest smile not because of the size jeans she was in, but because she could jog for ten minutes straight. I remembered all of it and where I was, and that helped me to remember where I am now. Maybe not shrinking anymore, maybe at some stand still, but I am here and everyday that is awesome. Just as awesome as the day I arrived!

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