the Trigger-happy housewife

Bringing the constantly fantastic and painfully insane together daily!

Where is He?

on February 24, 2014

My skin is on fire, my scalp hurts where my hair touches it. My hands are shaking. Inside myself I can feel each muscle, if I close my eyes they light up like the figures in a science text book, each one aches. I’ve been praying prayers that borderline chants, just this side of a panic attack for hours.
Where is God in that?
My mind completely unwilling to calm itself I decided that reading might work, as TV seems too far away. I pick up my kindle and start reading The Message, it’s a bible in a new form. Tears fall and the words blur. I can’t read. So I just say His name, again and again. Jesus.
Where is God in this?
I want to scream. I want to break beautiful things. I want to destroy every painting and burn them. I want to drink, I don’t drink. I want to fall face first into every vice I ever used. I want to feel better. I want to stop being scared. I want a mother I could cry to, a woman I could trust not to use this time to come out on top. I want to sings songs of praise and not feel empty.
Where is God?

She is alone, I am alone. It’s never been this way. Us against the world, not two people on their own at the same time. Where is God?

The deeper part of me knows that God is here, in the struggle and mess. God is above all of this, above the details that weigh me down. God is everywhere, even when I can’t see Him. Especially when I can’t see Him. The deeper part of me knows this, but the human I am – self obsessed and self pitying – just can’t receive that comfort right now. The human I am is praying weak prayer, begging and bargaining, lost and alone.


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