the Trigger-happy housewife

Bringing the constantly fantastic and painfully insane together daily!

Going back.

on February 26, 2014

Want to play a game? We will call it “I BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW” and I will say something I bet you didn’t know. It will be good fun, or maybe not. Truth is it’s 2:42 in the morning so I might be a twee delirious and think that this game is dumb in the morning. Ready?! Okay! (Sorry, I was a cheer leader for like five minutes in the fourth grade and that is all that stuck with me.) Ready?

From May 22, 2010 till this very day I have, like, 95% of every thing I have put in my mouth – tasted, eaten, just a bite… written down in some form. Seriously, I do.

When I first started Weight Watchers I think I kept them because they were proof. Proof that I was doing the work, proof that I was losing, proof that something was going right. Proof. Then they became my history, who I was, am? Me. See, but so many things went wrong in the end of me and Weight Watchers that by the time I finally walked away it was more than over. Like a break up. You know you should leave so  that maybe you can be friends in the future, but you hold on until it is pretty clear you have destroyed each other. That is what happened to me with Weight Watchers. I should have just walked away when 360 rolled out. I should have said that I had hit the enough mark when PointsPlus was the only option. I can’t help but wonder what it all would have liked like had I just walked out of that meeting, deciding then not to switch and not to go back. Or, better yet, what would have happened had WW never switched. Regardless, here I am now. Going through all of my old trackers. When I first joined I used only the little disposable ones they give away at the receptionist desk, eventually I realized I really was in it for the long haul and bought a three month journal. Looking back at it, that  may have been the first in a series of missteps that led me to this place now.

I always approached my WW journey as an addict, meeting were my AA meetings. I took things one day at a time, waking up expecting my best and going to sleep forgiving my failures. Each day a new day, each little seven day tracker a tiny lifetime in itself. They gave me suck a feeling of satisfaction. Like using a tube of lipstick till there is no color left or having the same pen until it is dry. Maybe that sound funny to some, but to me – a scattered artist with ADHD – not losing something and actually completing something is a big deal.

My wife has on several occasions told me to look at these old trackers for food inspiration, I just shrugged it away. Tonight she hunted for them with me and after finding them she deposited me and them at the computer with the instruction, “Give it a shot.” That was three hours ago. I’m still shooting! Only it’s not the food in them that got me excited. It was the feel of one tiny week folded in my hand, it feels “do-able” – achievable – almost easy. So much more surmountable than FOREVER. Also, it was like rediscovering a friend. I realized how happy I was on the Momentum plan, counting points and living. When I switched to calories I was happy to have no “safety net” – but I was not thinking clearly. I was disillusioned with the PointsPlus plan and I was dissatisfied. I was also slipping into a place of disordered eating – flipping from binging to depriving. Finding my high in the very empty instead of the very full. It’s a battle I may face for life, but at least (for now) I have a new energy and zeal for balance. I am not (actively) obsessing over each calorie – I am counting points. (Well, inside I still know the calories, but I am ignoring that.) There is something soothing in the 23 points of a day, whereas the calories are around 1250 and I have a very hard time consistently eating  over 1000 – I am going to eat my points, I am going to do this and be healthy.

I am going back to Weight Watcher Momentum. So, you know, be warned that this blog will look a lot like my old one. (I briefly thought of going back there, but I think no – I am here and I am happy AND I am moving forward by going back!)


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