the Trigger-happy housewife

Bringing the constantly fantastic and painfully insane together daily!

Defining moments.

on December 11, 2014

I’ve talked about them before. Generally bad, moments that leave you completely different. Like a here and there line in the sands of life. Sometimes they are these giant quakes that leave a canyon between the here and the there. Sometimes they are a slow, almost unnoticeable trickle – constant and unremarkable – wearing away until you hear a crack and notice that something fell away. It’s almost as if there doesn’t exist anymore. You are standing on the here and the there has disappeared, worn down and away. Going back is not an option, you can move forward or freeze.

I used to freeze. Close my eyes and live in a land of memories and wishes. I changed. I think it was Katrina. If I am honest I think it was being completely insane in the wake of that, there was so much personal growth and wreckage. The storm tore up the earth while a storm in my heart and mind tore apart who I was. I was a seed that had been tossed too far from soil to have any hope. The hurricane washed everything away, but it also reached that seed. I floated for a while, but when the water left and I settled I settled into a little patch of earth where I could actually grow. It’s been a slow and steady working of the garden since then. I have been through many seasons, lost and gained. Only, on this side of that I was a new person. Now, when the line of here and there is drawn I let the sadness of lost or disappointment be felt and then I look forward. Wishes for the past are wasted, but wishes for the future are full of possibilities.

It’s in the air. My world has been quaking for a while now. There has found definition and I am once again standing at a point of here. It dawned on me this morning. There was this moment that I think the last few days have been building to, and maybe because I actually got some sleep last night I was able to understand my own thoughts. Whatever made this the moment it was like in this one instance I saw things line up and make sense before hurling themselves back out into the universe. (It has the same feeling of understanding that realizing you are dreaming has – a flash and then instantly you are awake, all the snippets of dreams fade seconds from each other.) I supposed I could be angry with myself for not memorizing that moment, making it easier to put back together. Thing is now I know that I have all the pieces for this next part of life, whether that is a month or six or two years… Time to move forward.

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