the Trigger-happy housewife

Bringing the constantly fantastic and painfully insane together daily!

Today I feel… SKINNY.

on August 14, 2015

Today I feel skinny.

Even though I know that I weigh what I weighed yesterday. Even though I am not even thin (though people who are accustomed to the new normal of our society may disagree.) Even though I know my clothes will still feel snug and uncomfortable. Even though my skin is still trying to detox from the wretched foods I have been eating. Even though I am still trying to hydrate myself from months of not getting enough water.

Here’s the thing: I feel skinny because I have been eating well. I feel skinny because I have been drinking enough water. I feel skinny because I worked out this morning – for the SECOND time this week. I feel skinny because I feel good about myself. That is no good.

Sure, the feeling good is a great thing. The fact that my mind is programed to equate feeling good to skinny, feeling happy to skinny, feeling hopeful to skinny – that is not good. That’s not good for a million reasons, but for me in particular it is no good because it adds to the unhealthy relationship I have with food and fitness. Sure, making good choices should make me feel great – physically and mentally. But when they make me feel skinny and skinny makes me feel in control it sets me up to fail. The moment one “bad” choice comes along my mentality becomes, “Throw in the towel.” My mind fills with some of the following thoughts (and more:) You already ruined the day, just eat. You are fat anyway, eat more. Better eat everything today because tomorrow you starve.

The “bad” choice doesn’t even have to be BAD, it just has to be less than perfect (and I swear, my definition of perfect is far from it. It is a strange list of food my brain has given me permission to eat.)

To try to work with myself I am trying to identify these moments, these days, and to really think them out. I am trying to re-frame my head picture and use new vocabulary for my thoughts. So today instead of skinny I feel happy – my wife has the weekend off and we have plans with family. Today instead of skinny I feel strong – despite high levels of pain and recovering from injury I have worked out TWICE with at least another one planned. Today instead of skinny I feel like ME – I am finally running again and all the lies I told myself about not really wanting to be a runner have fallen away! Today instead of skinny I feel hopeful – I have a plan, and God has been smiling on it. Today instead of skinny I feel disciplined – I have been eating well, making health choices and avoiding the use of “good” or “bad” to describe my foods.

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