It was late and we were both tired. The whole day had been a bust on an emotional level. There was nothing wrong, nothing. We were both verbal about how blessed we were, we praised God throughout the day for this life we share and the fact that we share it. All day I was aware of how her existence makes me happier, lighter, joyful – and yet, I was reactive. I am sharp – quick and dangerous. Sarcastic humor can be hurtful, especially when it is humorless. This day was like that, the jabs were barbs. I didn’t even mean them, but they were flowing. It was like my bad mood and life were on this roll where life just kept setting me up, lobbing the ball perfectly across the plate so I could take a swing. I took them, not all but most of them. I was failing at holding back, sometimes it’s like that. She was doing a super job at squashing her anger or hurt and continuing to try to pursue a good day. That made it worse, I don’t know why, but it did. It wasn’t that I wasn’t sorry, I was – I certainly do not enjoy being rough on her. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to stop, I did – my heart and soul wanted to. I just couldn’t.
That night as she readied herself for bed I could see how my abrasiveness had done a number on her. This was a day where she absorbed and held us together and I truly appreciated that. I checked in, told her I was just in that place and that I had really tried to curb it. She said she knew and that she appreciated my effort, however failed. Then after she said goodnight and that she loved me I muttered, “Yeah? Are you sure you’re not just collecting all this awful and deciding you don’t love me?” (Or something like that, I can’t say for sure because it was a passing comment. Not really what I thought, but I am sure rooted in my subconsciousness by life.) She said no and kissed me good night.
Then, two days later after things have settled and we are better than ever. I have gotten over whatever scritch was irking me and she has brushed it all off she takes my hand and looks straight at me and brings up my comment. She says that she can’t ever imagine not loving me, but that if she ever was in a place in life where she didn’t realize that she was totally in love with me she would do the work and we would fix it. Leaving is not an option. She wants me to realize the magnitude of the commitment she made when we married each other and I do. I realize it because it is the same for me. While I know where I am at, and I know where she is at – it is so good beyond belief to hear it again. Maybe I shouldn’t need to, maybe I should just be able to rest in my knowledge. Maybe, but I am human and she knows that. She knows me in a way I don’t even know me, and I believe that I know her in that same way. It is so perfectly God sent that I can’t express my gratitude or elation and I may never be able to. I look forward to trying, though, everyday of my life.
I love you, babe. Thank you.